i coughed and lost so much air that i felt it very strangely in my heart, and maybe because my ridiculous mind loves to eat of the word "heart," i am considering all these many things that have touched it. well, i am now reluctant to talk about heart attacks because somebody i used to love very much had a heart attack, and months after we stopped talking she sent me a picture of her laying on a couch, presumably having a heart attack, with some people kneeling around her unmoving body like she was dead but no one really seeming all that panicked, no one on the phone calling for help, but someone inexplicably holding a camera and while i felt the twinge of pity, maybe also a twinge of fear because i thought bad trips didn't equal heart attacks, i also felt how absurd it was that somehow i was becoming that person for someone who was no longer that person for me in a completely bizarre, loosely-folded, under-regulated and over-steeped moment. i could not even step back to say, "what?" i would never say, "wow that was so frightening, i felt like i was having a heart attack," because how would i know? i wouldn't know, but maybe you would know, and now i know you would know, because i saw you telling me when i was not expecting it, because what i know is i was so easy to leave three thousand miles away and in the archive - until you had a heart attack.
if i had gills like an elegant fish i would go swim in a swimming pool full of honey so that i couldn't breathe anyway, because i am now clear and calm about what it is like to not have air. i have knocked it out of myself in many a science experiment, and in fact a few years ago i would hold myself down so i could not breathe and yes, this is indeed the very short version of the story about my incapability to maintain a nourishing love. now before you go, how about you tell me what it is like to breathe some sweet fresh outside air because the room i was sitting in seems to be asking where i've gone and i don't want to leave it waiting because i'm sure it would be pretty anxious to think that i am angry at it or that i am leaving it, i can almost definitely feel it is anxious, biting its lower lip
a lot to the point of tearing skin or maybe picking at scabs or pacing around trying to find something else to maybe fill that seat that i've left to go cold maybe even just for the time being? i know that this is happening and where i am right now i am not getting proper inhales anyway, perhaps i've forgotten my filter, so i will be going back to the airline tomorrow morning to book a flight to go back. if you still remember what i said before, about the choice of honey, maybe i would opt for some fancy floral honey, i like it to at least be sweet and beautiful if i am going to drown, does that make any sense? before that happens i would bring some back for her to try.
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